Selfishness

4. General Counseling Topics
Written By Bryan Carlson

Selfishness is a pervasive and dangerous attitude that has damaging consequences for both individuals and society as a whole. At its core, selfishness is a mindset that places a high value on personal needs and desires, often at the expense of others. This self-centered perspective can lead to a range of negative behaviors, including manipulation, defensiveness, and a lack of empathy for others.

Selfishness is particularly insidious because it can be the root heart condition of many sins. It leads individuals into, and even to justify, immoral behavior, such as lying, cheating, manipulation, unfaithfulness, greed, etc. This mindset can also lead to a lack of concern for the welfare of others, which can manifest in various ways, such as neglecting the needs of family and friends or ignoring the plight of those who are suffering.

One of the dangers of selfishness is that it can reinforce a victim mentality, where individuals perceive themselves as constantly being wronged or mistreated by others. This can create a self-centered perspective where the individual is solely focused on their own needs and desires, with little consideration for the needs of others. This, in turn, can reinforce selfishness, as the individual may believe that they are justified in acting selfishly because they perceive themselves as being constantly victimized by others.

Selfishness leads to a range of negative outcomes and often leaves a trail of damaged relationships in its wake, causing deep-seated emotional pain and strife.

In marriage, selfishness can lead to infidelity, emotional withdrawal, or a lack of effort in maintaining the relationship. The selfish partner may prioritize their own needs, such as work or personal hobbies over the needs of their partner, leading to feelings of neglect and dissatisfaction. Over time, this can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust, potentially leading to the end of the relationship. In 1 Samuel 16:7, it says, "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'" God looks at our hearts, and as Christians, even when our spouses don’t excite us as much as they once used to or the quirks we used to be most attracted to now drive us crazy, we are called to do the same.

Selfishness can also impact familial relationships, such as relationships between parents and children, or between siblings. When a family member is solely focused on their own needs and desires, they may fail to provide emotional support, financial assistance, or other forms of assistance that are important for maintaining healthy family relationships. This can lead to feelings of resentment and hurt, potentially leading to estrangement or a breakdown in the relationship.

In friendships, selfishness can manifest in a variety of ways, such as failing to support a friend in need, monopolizing conversations, or failing to show up for social engagements. Over time, these behaviors can erode the trust and intimacy that is crucial for maintaining healthy friendships.

Selfishness is not compatible with the character of God, who is loving, compassionate, and selfless. When we choose to live selfishly, we distance ourselves from God and hinder our ability to be vessels of His love and grace in the world. To overcome the destructive cycle of selfishness and its negative consequences, individuals must work on meeting the needs of others. This requires a commitment to see beyond one's own perspective. Jesus teaches us to love others as He has loved us (John 13:34-35). He demonstrated this love by laying down His life for us. This selfless act should motivate us to follow His example and put others' needs before our own. As we strive to become more like Christ, we will cultivate a heart of love, compassion, and selflessness towards others.

Questions to answer with our counselee

  • Do you find yourself frequently thinking about your own needs and desires before considering the needs and desires of others?

  • In what ways have you noticed selfishness impacting your relationships with others, whether it be in your family, friendships, or other relationships?

  • Are there any patterns of behavior or thought that you notice in yourself that may be contributing to your tendency towards selfishness?

  • Have you ever experienced any negative consequences as a result of your self-centered behavior, such as strained relationships or missed opportunities?

  • How would you describe your relationship with God, and do you feel that your selfishness is impacting your ability to grow in your faith or serve others in a Christ-like manner?

  • Are there any particular Bible verses or stories that you find helpful in addressing issues of selfishness and cultivating a more selfless attitude?

  • In what ways do you feel called to serve and love others, and how can you begin to prioritize these actions over your own desires and needs?

Stories to consider

Jonah

The story of Jonah is found in the Old Testament book of Jonah. Jonah was a prophet of God who was commanded by God to go to the city of Nineveh and preach against its wickedness. Nineveh was a city in Assyria, which was known for its cruelty and violence. Jonah did not want to go to Nineveh because he knew that God was merciful and would forgive the people of Nineveh if they repented. Jonah wanted God to destroy the city, so he ran away from God's command and boarded a ship heading in the opposite direction.

During the voyage, a great storm arose, and the sailors were afraid for their lives. Jonah knew that the storm was God's punishment for his disobedience, so he told the sailors to throw him overboard to save the ship. The sailors reluctantly threw Jonah overboard, and God sent a great fish to swallow him up. Jonah spent three days and nights inside the fish, praying to God for forgiveness.

Finally, the fish vomited Jonah onto dry land, and God again commanded him to go to Nineveh. This time, Jonah obeyed and went to Nineveh, preaching a message of repentance to the people. Surprisingly, the people of Nineveh listened to Jonah's message and repented of their sins. God showed mercy and did not destroy the city.

However, Jonah was angry that God had shown mercy to the people of Nineveh. He felt that he had been made a fool, and he became bitter and angry towards God. Jonah's selfishness blinded him to the fact that God's mercy extends to all people, even those he considered his enemies.

Verses for study

  • Philippians 2:3-4: "Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

  • Proverbs 23:6-7: "Do not eat the bread of a selfish person; or desire his delicacies."

  • 1 Corinthians 10:24: "Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor."

  • 2 Timothy 3:1-3: "But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good."

  • James 3:14: "But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth."

  • James 3:16: "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."

Put off | Put on

"to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:22-24 ESV)

Bryan Carlson
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