Family
To state the obvious, the family unit is under attack. Satan hates us and is hell-bent on destroying anything that honors God and has order. God made his intent for the family clear: one man and one woman in a lifetime committed relationship where they are to be fruitful and multiply. Sin, like everything else messes everything up.
For a variety of reasons, half of all children in the United States are not living in a home with two parents married to each other. Some couples never choose to get married. Many parents get divorced.
According to a report by the National Center for Health Statistics, in 2018, approximately 59% of women and 65% of men in the United States aged 15-44 reported that they have had sexual intercourse before getting married.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau's 2020 Current Population Survey, approximately 51% of children under the age of 18 in the United States are living in a home where their biological or adoptive parents are married to each other.
Throughout the Old and New Testaments, marriage and family are depicted as foundational institutions that reflect God's plan for humanity, and provide a framework for love, support, and growth. The breakdown of the family unit is a consequence of sin and of humanity's departure from God's design. The breakdown of this structure has significant negative consequences for society, including increased rates of poverty, crime, and social dysfunction.
There are a variety of dysfunctions we will deal with as biblical counselors. Our objective is to help these family units, in whatever condition we find them, repent of their sin, turn to the Lord, and honor the Lord the rest of their days.
Questions to answer with our counselee
What brings you to counseling as a family?
What are some of the biggest challenges you are facing as a family right now?
How would you describe your communication patterns with each other?
Are there any communication barriers or misunderstandings that need to be addressed?
How do you typically resolve conflicts within your family?
Can you give an example of a recent conflict that arose and how it was resolved?
What are your individual and collective goals for family counseling?
How do you spend time together as a family?
Are there any past traumas or events that have affected your family dynamics?
How do you show affection and support to each other?
How can you work together to create a more supportive and nurturing environment for each member of the family?
How do you handle differences in opinions or values?
What is your understanding of the roles and responsibilities of each member of the family?
How do you make decisions as a family?
What are the strengths and weaknesses of your family as a whole? How do you celebrate and build on your strengths, and how do you work to improve your weaknesses?
How do you handle stress and difficult situations as a family? Are there any coping mechanisms or strategies that you use or have found helpful in the past?
How do you prioritize your time and responsibilities as a family? Are there any areas where you feel like you need to adjust or re-prioritize?
How do you maintain healthy boundaries with one another? Are there any areas where boundaries have been crossed or violated, and how can you work to repair those relationships?
What are your family's values and beliefs? How do these inform your decision-making and interactions with one another?
How can you incorporate faith, the Word of God, and the Gospel in your family's daily life and activities?
Stories to consider
Isaac, Rebekah, Jacob, and Esau (Genesis 25:19-28:9)
Isaac and Rebekah were married, but they struggled with infertility for many years. Eventually, Rebekah became pregnant with twin boys, Jacob and Esau. From the time they were born, Jacob and Esau were very different in personality and interests. Esau was a skilled hunter and outdoorsman, while Jacob was more interested in domestic affairs and cooking.
"Now Isaac loved Esau, because he had a taste for game, but Rebekah loved Jacob" (Genesis 25:28). Isaac favored Esau because he was a skilled hunter and provided him with delicious game to eat, while Rebekah favored Jacob for reasons that are not explicitly stated in this verse. This favoritism contributed to the dysfunction within the family and ultimately led to Jacob deceiving Isaac and stealing Esau's blessing, as described in Genesis 27.
The dysfunction in this family continued as Jacob went on to have a complex family of his own, including multiple wives and children born to different mothers. There was ongoing rivalry and tension between Jacob's wives and their children, and even Jacob himself played favorites among his children.
Despite the dysfunction and brokenness in this family, however, the story also highlights God's faithfulness and ability to work even in imperfect circumstances. God ultimately used the family of Isaac and Rebekah with all of its flaws and struggles, to fulfill His promises to His people and to bring about His plan of redemption.
David (2 Samuel 11:1- 1 Kings 2:12)
The story of David's family is a complex and often tragic one, filled with examples of both faithfulness and dysfunction. As a consequence of his sin with Bathsheba, Nathan delivers a message of judgment to David, telling him that the sword will never depart from his house because of his sin. This prophecy is fulfilled in tragic ways over the course of David's life and reign.
The death of David and Bathsheba’s son.
Sexual immorality: David's son Amnon raped his half-sister Tamar, which led to her being shamed and ultimately abandoned by her family. In response, Tamar's brother Absalom killed Amnon and fled into exile. When he returned, he continued to undermine David's authority and eventually launched his rebellion.
Rebellion and civil war: David's own son Absalom rebelled against him and tried to take the throne, as described in 2 Samuel 15-18. Absalom's rebellion led to a bitter civil war that tore apart Israel and resulted in the deaths of many people, including Absalom himself.
Political intrigue: David's son Adonijah tried to seize the throne for himself after David became old and weak. Adonijah's actions sparked a power struggle that ultimately led to the coronation of David's son Solomon as king, but not before Adonijah had garnered significant support and caused further division within the royal family.
Violence and bloodshed: David himself was not immune from the violence and bloodshed that his sin had unleashed. Later in his reign, he ordered a census of Israel that angered God and led to a plague that killed thousands of people. David also had to deal with a number of other military conflicts and uprisings, including a rebellion led by a man named Sheba.
Despite the turmoil and pain that David's family experiences as a result of his sin, however, the story also shows the power of God's grace and forgiveness. David repents of his sin and turns back to God, and despite the many challenges he faces, he continues to lead Israel with courage and faithfulness until the end of his life.
Verses for study
Children are a blessing
Psalm 127: “children are a gift from the Lord”
Train up a child
Deuteronomy 6:1-9: the Shema
Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older he will not abandon it.”
Genesis 18:19: God chose Abraham to command his children and household to keep the way of the Lord
Exodus 12:25-27: Israelites commanded to remind the children of the Passover in the Promised Land
Deuteronomy 6:20-25: Israel commanded to teach their sons about God’s mighty hand freeing them from Egypt
1 Kings 1:5-6: Adonijah had never been rebuked by David
Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”
Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death.”
Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”
Proverbs 23:13-17: “Do not withhold discipline from a child; Though you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol.”
Proverbs 29:15: “The rod and a rebuke give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”
Proverbs 29:17: “Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul.”
Jeremiah 2:30a: “In vain I have struck your sons; they did not accept discipline.
Ephesians 6:4: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Colossians 3:21: Fathers, do not antagonize your children, so that they will not become discouraged.
Hebrews 12:7b-11 “for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."
Family conflict
Genesis 4:8-9: Cain and Able
Genesis 25:21-34: Isaac and Rebekah
Genesis 27: Jacob and Esau
Genesis 37:2-4: Joseph
2 Samuel 12:10-12: David after Bathsheba
Disobedient children
Exodus 21:15: one who strikes his father or mother were to be put to death
Exodus 21:18-21: the stubborn and rebellious son, given to drinking, were to be stoned
1 Samuel 2:12-17,22-25: Eli’s sons were wicked and the Lord desired to put them to death
1 Samuel 8:1-5: Samuel’s sons were also wicked, which may be why, in part, Israel asked for a human king to rule over them
Discipline of the Lord
Proverbs 12:1: “One who loves discipline loves knowledge, but one who hates rebuke is stupid.”
Proverbs 3:11-12: “My son, do not reject the discipline of the Lord or loathe His rebuke, for whom the Lord loves He disciplines, just as a father disciplines the son in whom he delights.”
Hebrews 12:4-15: “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are punished by Him; for whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He punishes every son whom He accepts.” It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
Put off | Put on
"to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:22-24 ESV)
Put off: Satan; temptation; sin; slavery; false teachers; idols; selfishness; anger; gossip; foolishness; pride; blaming God; guilt and shame
Put on: God; repentance of my sin or forgiveness of another’s sin; Jesus; repentance unto salvation; Holy Spirit; sanctification; fruit; spiritual gifts; spiritual disciplines; identity in Christ; healthy emotions
Article: The Christian Family by Bryan Carlson
Perhaps you've seen one. But if you haven't, you're not alone. There just aren't as many around as there used to be. I've heard it told that years ago, you could find one on almost every farm--but that was before the fast pace of modern living crowded most of them out. Now they seem to be on the verge of extinction.
If you saw one, you would not forget the experience. It would probably smile at you so affectionately that you might mistake it for a simple creature without a care in the world. But a closer examination would reveal profound depth and a countenance etched by great joy as well as immeasurable sorrow. You would sense that it had passed through countless valleys and scaled many mountains, and now stood ready for either.
What does it look like? That's hard to say. Sometimes it resembles the father of a teenager when he sets aside time just to take his son for a long walk and find out what's going on inside him. At other times it is the very image of a mother tucking her little girl in, listening to her prayers, and kissing her goodnight. And on very rare occasions, it has been known to conform to the likeness of a brother or sister who shares a couple of cookies or a prized toy.
But you can be sure of one thing: its arms are always opened, ready to take another into the warmth and security of its love. It really is a rather remarkable species. In fact, it is God's finest creation. It is...the Christian family.
The Christian family today is an endangered species. I love the family. It is the tool God designed to raise all people up to love and know him. I grew up in a fantastic family and now have an incredible family of my own. I always knew growing up that I wanted to have a family of my own as soon as possible because I was involved in such a great family growing up. I also love young people and want to see them grow up to know, love, and serve the Lord. I’ve persevered in making sure our four boys know about the Lord and teach their kids what it means to serve Him.
"…choose for yourselves today whom you will serve;…but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD" (Joshua 24:15).
Parents:
The first group I would like to address is parents. The two people who have the opportunity to make the greatest impact in a young person's life is their parents.
The greatest challenge we have as parents is to practice what we preach. A father was teaching his son what a Christian should be like. When the lesson was over, the father got a stab he never forgot. The little boy asked, "Dad have I ever met one of these Christians? This brings to mind the word discipline. What does it mean to discipline our children? Discipline comes from the word disciple--one who is taught, a learner, a follower. Parenting with discipline is asking yourself: where do I want by child to be by the time he or she is 18 years old? Our children will learn from and follow our lead.
Let's take our prayer life for instance. George Barna, a researcher who conducts studies for Christian organizations, found that fewer than 1 in 5 Christian people pray. In all of his research, Barna has found that there is always a strong correlation between prayer and effective ministry--our ministry here being how effectively we raise our own kids. Prayer is the greatest key of all. We are involved in a battle.
Another thing parents can do to up their children successfully is teach our kids a winning battle plan. Right now many of us are training our kids to fight a battle with a losing battle plan! Here's the plan scripture gives us—Ephesians 6:10-13. This says our battle is not against flesh and blood but against Satan himself. How do we defend our kids? Give them the right weapons for the battle--truth, righteousness, Gospel, faith, salvation, Word of God, and prayer. To train up a child means more than just saying, "My kid will grow up okay because he/she is part of a Christian family." It means taking the responsibility to equip our kids adequately for the battle they enter into on a daily basis. If not, the enemy will win.
Parents, know your kids, their friends, and how they are spending their time! It is our job as parents to be nosy. I’d rather have my kids think I am a little too strict and know what is going on in their lives than to hold back and just hope they are not getting into trouble.
You know, Hillary Clinton was right, it really does take a village--at least when it comes to raising Christian kids in a church.
Not every parent is going to do a perfect job. Parents desperately need the help of the church in order to raise up a child in the way he should go. Active members of youth groups usually display these characteristics: supportive parents, a faith experience, and a significant relationship with another adult whose faith is important and meaningful. According to Dan Spader of Sonlife Ministries, "If you want to influence a teenager, you've got to establish a relationship with him. So, we need to be building relationships with the youth of our church.” When I was growing up at Country Bible Church, I had a group of men who really took an interest in me and made a difference in my life. We really need to help each other out in raising our kids
We also need to be sure we are getting our kids involved. Over seventy-five percent of youth who demonstrated a general, across-the-board alienation from religion indicated that the church's failure to take them seriously and include them in significant roles is the major cause of their estrangement. If they are not a part of it, they will probably depart from it.
All Christian adults in the lives of our children are part of the package that God uses to produce strong-in-the-faith young adults. This fact is pretty much true in every case where kids turn out well. It really does take a community.
Now I would like to make a few comments about an established institution in America that is having a profound negative effect on our children: the media.
The three institutions in our country that used to have the greatest impact on our kids are: 1. the church, 2. the home, and 3. the school. Now the greatest molding influence in our kids lives is the media--social media, music, and television. According to a 2021 report by Common Sense Media, which surveyed over 1,000 US teenagers aged 13-18, the average amount of time that teenagers spend on their phones each day is about 4.5 hours. The average teenager has spent 18,000 hours watching television by the time he is 17. Furthermore, the typical teenager absorbs around three hours of secular music every day. How long can even a Christian teen hold out under such a steady bombardment? Billy Graham has been quoted as saying, "I have yet to meet the teenager who could effectively live as a Christian while being bombarded with the unrelenting message of secular music."
"When your children reach adolescence, with all of its tough decisions and temptations, they need the ability to think for themselves and make tough, clear-headed decisions. It is not too difficult to understand how teenagers who have been conditioned to expect immediate gratification and whose prime motivator is pleasure, might opt for the escapism of drugs, sex, and alcohol while rejecting the reality that Christianity challenges them to confront" (James Dobson).
We've all heard the old adage “garbage in, garbage out.” It's true. "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things" (Philippians 4:8).
"And all that generation also were gathered to their fathers; and there arose another generation after them who did not know the LORD, nor yet the work which He had done for Israel" (Judges 2:10). Let’s make sure this is not our legacy for our kids.
Young People:
Young people, we have learned that your parents have been given the great responsibility to train you up in the way you should go--to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind; to make wise decisions with your life that will glorify the Lord. It is true that the Lord has given responsibility to your parents and your church body, but let me point out one fact that cannot be overlooked:
Ultimately, it is up to you. I would like to challenge you to choose to live for God; to set your priorities straight. It all boils down to priorities. There is nothing innately evil about all of the activities we are involved in, but there is something wrong when we give more energy to our hobbies than we do to our relationships with God and each other. We get away from what is truly important--Bible study and prayer--a relationship with God. Do you know that 65 percent of evangelical teens never read their Bibles. Our foundation always needs to be Jesus Christ. Young people, is the top priority in your life your relationship with Jesus?
(Luke 9:23) "And He was saying to them all, "If any(teen) wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me."
Romans 12:1 "I urge you therefore, (teens), by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."
Young people, choose your friends wisely and stick together. You will become who you hang out with.
Finally, accept your parents’ involvement in your life. Be glad that your parents care about you enough to want to know what is going on in your life. Sometimes you will think that your parents are your enemies. They truly do just want what is best for you.
Conclusion:
In conclusion, I would like to compare the family with a track relay team. Grandparents are the first leg of the relay race. You can now look back and evaluate the type of race they ran in their life while their kids were at home. Hand-offs are a very important part of a relay race. You can now how effectively they handed the baton of faith to their kids.
The second leg of the race is being run by the parents. What type of race are you running? Are you holding your ground; are you making up ground that your parents lost; are you losing ground that your parents had gained. What type of hand-off is taking place as you pass your faith and life on to your kids—before long they will be running their leg of the race on their own.
The third leg of the race is represented by the young people. Kids, what type of legacy are you going to carry on for your family? Are you training and getting yourself prepared for your leg of the race? You can picture your parents handing you the baton. Are you getting prepared to run the race on your own? Are you going to take off and fly in life or stumble and fall?
And finally, the fourth leg will be run by our kids’ kids. What do they have to look forward to? What type of race is being run in their family to pave the way for victory?
At whatever stage you are at, I would like to challenge you to focus on three things. 1. Be sure you are running your leg of the race well. 2. Be sure you are doing a good job of handing off the baton to the next generation. If you have already handed off the baton, be a team player, encourage the next generation and the next generation to run a good race. And 3. Never lose sight of the goal. (2 Tim 4:7-8) "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.”
Resources
“Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp
“The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict” by Ken Sande
“Your Family God’s Way” by Wayne Mack
“A Checklist of Ways Parents Provoke their Children to Anger” by Lou Priolo
“Christ Centered or Child Centered Home” by Robert E. Fugate
“Peacemaking for Families” by Ken Sande
“Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum” by Laura Hindrickson
“When Good Kids Make Bad Choices” by Jim Newheiser
“Rediscovering the Lost Treasure of Family Worship” by Jerry Marcellino
“Withhold not Correction” by Bruce Ray
“Age of Opportunity” by Paul Tripp
“You Never Stop Being a Parent” by Jim Newheiser and Elyse Fitzpatrick
“God, Marriage, and Family” by Andreas Köstenberger
“Men and Women in the Church” by Kevin DeYoung
“The Faithful Parent” by Stuart Scott and Martha Peace
“Good and Angry” by David Powlison
