Marriage
Marriage is a beautiful and sacred institution established by God himself. In the book of Genesis, we see that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, and the two became one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This union of man and woman in marriage is meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church.
Ephesians 5:22-33 provides a clear picture of the beauty of marriage and how it mirrors the relationship between Christ and the Church. Verse 22 says, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord." This submission is not meant to be a negative or oppressive thing but rather a reflection of the Church's submission to Christ. Verse 23 continues, "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body." Christ is the head of the Church, and just as the Church submits to Him, wives are called to submit to their husbands. This is not a call for husbands to lord their authority over their wives, but rather a call for them to love their wives as Christ loved the Church.
In verses 25-27, we see that Christ's love for the Church is sacrificial and selfless. He gave himself up for her, cleansing her with the washing of water by the Word, and presenting her to himself as a glorious Church, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. In the same way, husbands are called to love their wives sacrificially and selflessly, putting their needs above their own.
Finally, in verse 32, we see that marriage is a mystery that points to the relationship between Christ and the Church. "This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church." As husband and wife become one flesh, they become a living picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church.
Marriage is beautifully portrayed in the Song of Solomon:
"My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh which lies all night between my breasts. My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms In the vineyards of Engedi. Behold, you are beautiful, my darling; behold, you are beautiful; Your eyes are like doves. Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, and delightful as well! (Song of Solomon 1:13-16)
"My beloved is mine, and I am his; he pastures his flock among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of Bether" (Song of Solomon 2:16-17).
"How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! your eyes are like doves behind your veil; your hair is like a flock of goats that have descended from Mount Gilead" (Song of Solomon 4:1).
Marriage is a beautiful and sacred institution that is meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church. Husbands are called to love their wives sacrificially and selflessly, just as Christ loved the Church, and wives are called to submit to their husbands, just as the Church submits to Christ. May we honor God in our marriages and reflect His love to the world.
100%
In many marriages, each party goes 50% of the way toward the other, expecting the other spouse to do the same. The problem with this model is that if one spouse or the other doesn’t do his or her part, there is a conflict gap, as each person may feel like they are doing their fair share, while feeling resentful or frustrated that their partner is not doing the same.
The example of Christ is a powerful one in this context. He always goes 100% of the way towards us, even when we don't deserve it. He is the perfect example of selfless love and sacrifice. If both partners in a marriage can strive to emulate this kind of love, it can lead to a truly extraordinary relationship. If both partners are willing to go the extra mile and put in 100% effort, even when it's difficult or challenging, it can create a marriage that is strong, loving, and fulfilling. This means being willing to put your partner's needs and desires ahead of your own, even when you don't feel like it, and being willing to make sacrifices and compromises for the good of the relationship.
Of course, this is easier said than done. It takes a lot of work, patience, and forgiveness to create a marriage that exemplifies Christ's love. But the rewards are great, and the example it sets for others is powerful. A marriage that is built on the foundation of selfless love and sacrifice is a beautiful picture of what God intended for marriage, and it can bring great joy, fulfillment, and blessing to both partners.
Questions to answer with our counselee(s)
Marriage | Roles
What brings you to counseling today?
How did you meet each other? What initially drew you to each other?
What are some of the strengths in your relationship?
What are some of the challenges or issues that you are currently facing?
How do you typically handle conflicts or disagreements in your relationship?
How do your personal relationships with Jesus Christ impact your personal lives and marriage?
How do you each prioritize individual spiritual and personal growth within the context of your relationship?
How do you each see your relationship and roles from a Biblical perspective?
What are your values and beliefs around marriage?
How do you see your roles within the relationship? Are there any areas where you feel there is an imbalance?
How do you both express love and affection towards each other?
What are your individual expectations for the relationship?
How do you both communicate with each other? Are there any communication barriers?
Have there been any major life events that have impacted your relationship?
What are some of the goals that you have for your relationship?
Have you sought counseling or other forms of support for your relationship before? If so, what was your experience like?
What are some steps that you can take to improve the quality of your relationship moving forward?
If there are children
How would you describe your relationship with your child(ren)?
What are some of the strengths in your relationship with your child(ren)?
What are some of the challenges or issues that you are currently facing in your relationship with your child(ren)?
How do you typically handle conflicts or disagreements with your child(ren)?
What are your spiritual goals and expectations with your family/child(ren)? Are you on same page with these expectations?
Are you both encouraged with the spiritual progress being made?
How do you discipline your child(ren)? Are there any disciplinary methods that you have found to be particularly effective or ineffective?
How do you communicate with your child(ren)? Are there any communication barriers?
How do you express love and affection towards your child(ren)?
What are your individual expectations for your relationship with your child(ren)?
How do you handle stress and other challenges that may impact your ability to parent effectively?
Have there been any major life events that have impacted your relationship with your child(ren)?
Have you sought counseling or other forms of support for your parenting before? If so, what was your experience like?
What are some steps that you can take to improve the quality of your relationship with your child(ren) moving forward?
Sex
How do you both understand the role of sex in your marriage?
Have you experienced any challenges or conflicts related to your sexual relationship?
How does your faith and biblical principles influence your sexual relationship?
How do you communicate your sexual needs and desires to each other?
Have you discussed and established boundaries and expectations related to sex?
Are there any past experiences or traumas that may be affecting your sexual relationship?
Have you sought medical advice or counseling for any sexual issues you may be experiencing?
How do you plan to prioritize your sexual relationship in your marriage?
How do you honor and respect each other's bodies during sexual intimacy?
What steps are you willing to take to improve your sexual relationship and strengthen your marriage?
Stories to consider
Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 12-25)
Abraham and Sarah's story is one of enduring love, faith, and forgiveness despite significant challenges and mistakes.
God called Abraham to leave his home and follow Him to a land that He would show him (Genesis 12:1-9). Abraham obeyed, taking his wife Sarah and their nephew Lot with him. Along the way, they faced many difficulties, including famine, war, and the challenge of starting a new life in a foreign land. Despite these challenges, Abraham and Sarah's marriage endured. They remained committed to one another and to their faith in God, trusting that He would guide them on their journey.
Their faith was tested when Sarah was unable to have children. In an attempt to fulfill God's promise of descendants, Sarah suggested that Abraham have a child with her servant Hagar (Genesis 16). Abraham agreed, and Hagar gave birth to Ishmael. This decision caused tension and strife in their household and had long-lasting consequences.
But God remained faithful to Abraham and Sarah, and He fulfilled His promise of a son through Sarah . Despite being well beyond child-bearing years, Sarah gave birth to Isaac. This miracle child became the heir of God's promises to Abraham and Sarah, and their faith in God was strengthened (Genesis 21).
Abraham twice misrepresented Sarah as his sister, allowing her to be taken into a king's harem. These mistakes likely caused significant harm to their marriage, as they showed a lack of trust and protection on Abraham's part and caused Sarah to doubt his love and commitment to her.
Yet, Abraham and Sarah's marriage endured. One reason for their endurance was Abraham's willingness to take responsibility for his mistakes and seek forgiveness from God and from Sarah. In both instances, Abraham recognized the gravity of his actions and sought to make things right.
Another reason for their endurance was Sarah's forgiveness and willingness to move forward. Although she must have felt betrayed and hurt by Abraham's actions, she chose to remain committed to him and to trust in God's plan for their marriage.
Ultimately, Abraham and Sarah's marriage endured because of their unwavering faith in a faithful God. Despite their mistakes and missteps, they trusted in God's plan for their lives and were willing to submit to His will. Their story serves as a reminder that even the strongest marriages can experience setbacks and mistakes, but through forgiveness, repentance, and faith, they can endure.
Verses for study
Marriage roles; created order
Genesis 1:26-28: “male and female He created them”
Genesis 2:18-24: “I will make him a helper suitable for him”
Ecclesiastes 9:8: “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love all the days of your futile life which He has given you under the sun.”
1 Corinthians 11:3, 8-9: But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.
Ephesians 5:21-33: and subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Hebrews 13:4: Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers.
Genesis 3:20-24: Adam named his wife Eve
Deuteronomy 17:17: kings were not to acquire many wives
1 Corinthians 7:1-16, 25-28, 32-39: marriage instructions
Colossians 3:18-19: Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not become bitter against them.
1 Timothy 2:9-15: A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a wrongdoer.
1 Peter 3:1-7: In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior. You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Roles of men and women: quick reference guide
Genesis 2:18-25
Genesis 3:16
1 Corinthians 11:3-16
Ephesians 5:21-33
Colossians 3:18-19
Titus 2:1-8
1 Peter 3:1-8
1 Corinthians 14:34-38
1 Timothy 2:8-3:16
Titus 1:5-9
Acts 2:17
Acts 18:26
Romans 16:1
Romans 16:12
Galatians 3:26-29
Romance; sex
Song of Solomon 1:1-4: “’May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is sweeter than wine.’”
Song of Solomon 1:13-16: “’How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful you are!’ ’How handsome you are, my beloved, And so delightful! Indeed, our bed is luxuriant!’”
Song of Solomon 2:3: “’Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.’”
Song of Solomon 2:6: “’His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me.’”
Song of Solomon 2:14-15: “’Let me see how you look, let me hear your voice; for your voice is pleasant, and you look delightful.’”
Song of Solomon 4:1-15: a detailed, poetic description of his lover
Song of Solomon 5:1: “’Eat, friends; drink and drink deeply, lovers.’”
Song of Solomon 5:10-16: a detailed, poetic description of her lover
Song of Solomon 7:1-10: a detailed, poetic description of his lover
The wife of noble character
Proverbs 18:22: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverb 31: “the model woman”
1 Samuel 25—Abigail (married to a fool)
Proverbs 12:4: An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 14:1: The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
Proverbs 19:13b-14: And the quarrels of a wife are a constant dripping. House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
Proverbs 21:9: It is better to live on a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 27:15-16: A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike
Do not be yoked with nonbelievers
2 Corinthians 6:14-18: Do not be mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share together, or what does light have in common with darkness? Or what harmony does Christ have with Belial, or what does a believer share with an unbeliever?
Deuteronomy 7:1-4: the Israelites were commanded to not become like the nations around them or intermarry with them
Put off | Put on
"to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:22-24 ESV)
Put off: Satan; temptation; sin; slavery; false teachers; idols; selfishness; anger; gossip; foolishness; pride; blaming God; guilt and shame
Put on: God; repentance of my sin or forgiveness of another’s sin; Jesus; repentance unto salvation; Holy Spirit; sanctification; fruit; spiritual gifts; spiritual disciplines; identity in Christ; healthy emotions
Article: Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by Bryan Carlson
Egalitarianism is defined as “a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic affairs” or a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people” (Merriam-Webster). From an egalitarian perspective, manhood and womanhood are not defined by traditional gender roles or stereotypes, but rather by the unique gifts, talents, and abilities that each individual has been given by God. Both men and women are viewed as equal participants in the work of God's kingdom and have equal access to spiritual gifts and opportunities for service and leadership. There is no hierarchy of gender in this perspective. Galatians 3:28, which says, "There is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
"Complementarity is the conviction that God created men and women as his image-bearers—equal in dignity and personhood, distinct in role or function—so as to display his glory in harmonious relations of mutual respect, love, and humble service" (Grudem and Piper 30).
This view on manhood and womanhood is based on the belief that God created men and women with complementary differences and distinct roles and responsibilities. Men and women are equal in value and worth, but at the same time, men are called to be leaders in the home and in the church, while women are called to support and encourage men in these roles. This view is rooted in passages such as 1 Timothy 2:11-14 and 1 Peter 3:1-7, which describe the different roles and responsibilities of men and women in the home and in the church.
At the creation of man, God determined that man is in authority and leadership over woman and that woman is in submission to and a helper for man. These are the roles that God determined and created each for. God said, “I will make him (man) a helper suitable for him’" (Genesis 2:18). "And the man said, ‘she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man’" (Genesis 2:23). Genesis 2:18 specifically says that woman was created as a helper to man. Furthermore, the very fact that man named woman shows his God-ordained authority over her and her submission to him.
At the fall, God reiterated the roles of man and woman. "Yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). God made it clear to Eve that Adam would be in authority over her and that her desire would be for his headship. God made it clear to Adam that he was being punished in part because he abandoned his male headship—"you have listened to the voice of your wife" (Genesis 3:17). In Genesis 3:19, God addresses Adam when he pronounces death on man—why? He was the leader of the relationship; ultimately, Adam was the one responsible.
God continued to reveal his plan for the roles of man and woman in the New Testament. "I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man” (1 Timothy 2:11-14). The woman is the glory of man. For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man" (1 Corinthians 11:7-8). When the New Testament teaches that man and woman fulfill different roles in relation to each other, charging man with a unique leadership role, it bases this differentiation not on cultural norms but on permanent facts of creation. The commandments concerning headship and submission are rooted in created order. We do not have the authority to dismiss an entire verse or application because one part of the verse may be cultural.
In all of creation and life there must be leaders and followers. "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ" (1 Corinthians 11:3.) Christ is equal to God (John 10:30: “I and the Father are one") but He still submits to His Father. This is the same as the woman under man. God created and purposed women to be equal to men in position but not in function. Women are created uniquely by God to fulfill a unique role: a role in which man cannot fulfill. Satan deceives women in convincing them that fulfillment comes from usurping the role of the man. True fulfillment comes from serving the Lord according to His purpose as revealed in His Word.
The implications for counseling regarding confused roles in marriage are significant. Men must learn to become servant-leaders, following the example of Jesus who came to serve, not to be served (Mark 10:45), even in the face of rebellious wives (Romans 5:10; 12:9-21). Women, on the other hand, must learn to lovingly submit for Christ's sake, as commanded in Ephesians 5:22, even in difficult circumstances with unkind husbands (1 Peter 3:1-2). This requires a spirit of humility, respect, and obedience to God's design for marriage. In counseling, it is crucial to help couples understand and apply these principles in their lives, so they can experience the fullness of God's design for marriage. By following these biblical principles, couples can build healthy, Christ-centered marriages and honor God through their relationships.
Merriam-Webster, www.merriam-webster.com.
Wayne Grudem and John Piper, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, 30.
Article: Roles of Men and Women in the Church by Bryan Carlson
Men and women are equal but not the same. Two things don’t have to be the same to be equal.
Galatians 3:26-29
Created order, not culture:
At creation, before the fall:
Genesis 2:18-25
Gen. 2:18: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable to him.”
The fall:
Genesis 3:6-7
It was Adam God confronted even though it was the woman who first sinned (1 Tim. 2:13):
Genesis 3:8-12
As a result of the fall:
Genesis 3:14-20
“Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”
In the Old Testament
Deborah: Judges 4 and 5
Miriam: Exodus 15:20-21; Micah 6:4
Esther
In the New Testament
Jesus valued women highly, which was counter cultural. He healed women, touched unclean women, welcomed women to learn at his feet and travel with him, and he first revealed himself to women after his resurrection. He did, however, choose 12 men as his disciples and men to be his apostles. If the New Covenant in His blood was meant to eliminate role differences, Jesus would have made this very clear in His choosing of His disciples and the appointment of apostles. Paul would have emphasized this reversal in his letters instead of assuming and teaching in favor of male headship in the home and leadership in the church.
Women were critical and influential in the early church:
Priscilla (and Aquila): Acts 18:26
Philip’s daughters who were prophetesses: Acts 21:8-11
The women of Romans 16
Acts 2:17-18: “And it shall be in the last days God says that I will pour out my Spirit on all mankind; and your sons and your daughter will prophesy, and your young men will see visions and your old men will have dreams; and even on my male and female servants I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy.”
1 Cor. 11:3-16
1 Cor. 11:3: “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of Christ.”
1 Cor. 11:5: “But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head”
1 Cor.11:7-9: “For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.
1 Cor. 11:11-12: “However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent from man, nor is man independent from woman. For as the woman originated from man, so also the man has his birth through a woman; and all things originate from God.”
1 Cor. 14:31-38: “For you can all prophesy one by one, so that all my learn and all may be exhorted; and the spirits of prophets are subject to prophets; for God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints, the women are to keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but are to subject themselves, just as the Law also says. If they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church. Or was it from you that the Word of God first went out? Or has it come to you only? If anyone thinks that he is a prophet or spiritual, let him recognize that the things which I write to you are the Lord’s commandment. But if anyone does not recognize this, he is not recognized.”
1 Timothy 2:8-3:16
1 Tim. 2:11-13: “A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man but to remain quiet. For it was Adam who was first created and then Eve.”
1 Tim. 3:1: “An overseer, then, must be above reproach, the husband of one wife…he must be…”
Titus 1:5-9
Titus 1:5-6: “appoint elders in every city…namely if any man is above reproach…”
Spiritual gifts: there is no distinction between spiritual gifts given to men and women. It appears that we are all given the exact same gifts.
1 Cor. 12
Husbands and wives
Ephesians 5:21-33
Eph. 5:21: “and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.”
Eph. 5:23-24: “For the husband in the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church…But as the church is subject to Christ, wives ought to be subject to their husbands.”
Eph. 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”
Colossians 3:18-19
Wives—respect your husbands! Husbands—love your wives!
Titus 2:1-8
1 Peter 3:1-7
1 Pet. 3:1: “wives, be submissive to your own husbands”
1 Pet. 3:3: “And let your adornment be…the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”
1 Pet. 3:6: “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened.”
1 Pet. 3:7: “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, a with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life; so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Servant leadership, not lordship:
Luke 22:25-27—the greatest is the servant of all.
Men are called to lovingly care for and serve their wives.
Submission is a beautiful thing—Jesus submits to His Father, the church submits to Christ, we are to submit to our leaders, husbands and wives are to submit to one another.
“The aim of leadership is not to demonstrate the superiority of the leaders but to bring out all the strengths of the people that will move them forward to the desired goal.” John Piper
I believe men and women have equally important but distinct roles based on created order. Men have God-given authority over women in marriage and in the church. Men should be the primary teachers of the Word at Christian gatherings and should be the elders of the church. Women should use all their gifts to build up the church of Christ. They should serve in every area of ministry. Women should actively participate in worship services—singing, praying, and prophesying (reading and sharing the Word of God and what the Holy Spirit is doing in their lives). Men and women complement each other beautifully and together make up the body of Christ. It would not be consistent with Paul’s teaching to assume women need to be completely quiet in the church (this had to be some kind of a cultural reference—such as women aggressively taking over leadership responsibilities in the church; and men abdicating their roles) as he gives instructions for how women are to pray and prophesy in the church. As long as they are not teaching or exercising authority over man, they must be free to participate in the worship of God.
Resources
“Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs
“The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God” by Timothy Keller
“Strengthening Your Marriage” by Wayne Mack
“When Sinners Say I Do” Dave Harvey
“Tying the Knot” by Rob Green
“What Did You Expect” by Paul Tripp
“The Complete Husband” by Lou Priolo
“The Exemplary Husband” by Stuart Scott
“The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace
“Intimacy Ignited” by Linda Dillow
“Intimate Issues” by Linda Dillow and L. Pintus
“Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God” by C.J. Mahaney
“Sex and the Supremacy of Christ” by John Piper
“Intended for Pleasure” by Ed Wheat MD
“God, Marriage, and Family” by Andreas Köstenberger
“Good and Angry” by David Powlison
