Jealousy | Coveting

4. General Counseling Topics
Written By Bryan Carlson

Jealousy and coveting are two closely related but distinct issues that can have a negative impact on our lives and relationships. While the sin of jealousy often involves feeling envious of someone else's possessions or achievements, coveting is a broader term that refers to an excessive desire for something that is not rightfully ours. As a biblical counselor, it's important to approach both issues with compassion and empathy, understanding that each individual's experience is unique.

Jealousy can have many negative effects on our lives. It can lead to feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment, which can in turn damage our relationships with others. In addition, jealousy can cause us to become hyper-focused on what we lack, rather than on the blessings that we already have in our lives. This can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction and discontentment, which can be difficult to overcome.

Coveting, on the other hand, is a broader issue that can encompass many different types of desires. It can involve a desire for material possessions, such as a fancy car or a luxurious home, or it can be more abstract, such as a desire for fame or recognition. Like jealousy, coveting can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and discontentment, as we focus on what we don't have rather than on what we do.

Both jealousy and coveting are issues that have spiritual roots. In the Bible, jealousy is often described as a sin that can lead to other sinful behaviors, such as anger and strife. Similarly, coveting is listed as one of the Ten Commandments, which teaches us to avoid desiring things that are not rightfully ours. As biblical counselors, it's important to help our counselees understand the spiritual roots of these issues and how they can be overcome through faith and dependence on God.

To address issues of jealousy and coveting, it's important to first identify the root causes of these feelings. This may involve exploring underlying beliefs or thought patterns that contribute to these feelings, such as a belief that we are not good enough or that we are always lacking something. It may also involve exploring past experiences or conflicts that have contributed to our feelings of jealousy or coveting.

Once we have identified the root causes of these feelings, we can work towards healing and growth. This may involve practicing gratitude and contentment, focusing on the blessings in our lives rather than on what we lack. It may also involve seeking accountability from a trusted friend or mentor, or engaging in spiritual disciplines such as prayer, reading the Bible, or meditating on God's promises. Ultimately, by turning to God and seeking His help and guidance, we can overcome issues of jealousy and coveting and find joy and contentment in all areas of our lives.

Questions to answer with our counselee

  • How long have you been experiencing feelings of jealousy or coveting? Is there a particular situation or circumstance that triggered these feelings?

  • What are some of the specific things or qualities that you are jealous of or covet? How do you feel when you think about these things or qualities?

  • How have your feelings of jealousy or coveting affected your relationships with others, such as family, friends, or coworkers?

  • Do you believe that your feelings of jealousy or coveting are based on a legitimate desire, or are they rooted in feelings of insecurity or inadequacy?

  • Have you identified any underlying beliefs or thought patterns that contribute to your feelings of jealousy or coveting? For example, do you believe that you are not good enough or that you are always lacking something?

  • Have you tried to address your feelings of jealousy or coveting in the past? If so, what methods have you used, and have they been effective?

  • Have you considered seeking forgiveness for any actions that may have been the result of your feelings of jealousy or coveting?

  • How can you cultivate a mindset of contentment and gratitude, focusing on the blessings in your life rather than what you lack?

  • Are there any spiritual practices or disciplines that could help you overcome your feelings of jealousy or coveting, such as prayer, reading the Bible, or meditating on God's promises?

  • How has your experience with jealousy or coveting affected your relationship with God? Do you feel distant from God, or do you struggle to trust in His plan for your life?

  • Have you considered seeking accountability from a trusted friend or mentor? How might this help you overcome your feelings of jealousy or coveting?

  • Do you think that there are any deeper issues, such as unresolved trauma or unresolved conflict, that may be contributing to your feelings of jealousy or coveting?

  • How can you use your experiences with jealousy or coveting to help others who may be struggling with similar issues? Is there an opportunity for you to serve others and use your experiences to bring healing and hope?

Stories to consider

King Saul

The story of King Saul and David is a powerful illustration of the destructive power of jealousy. In 1 Samuel, we read that David, a young shepherd boy, was anointed by God to be the next king of Israel. However, at the time, King Saul was still ruling, and he quickly became jealous of David's military successes and popularity with the people.

In 1 Samuel 18:6-9, we read that "when the men were coming back home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with joy, and with musical instruments. And the women sang as they played, and said, ‘Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.’ Then Saul became very angry, for this saying displeased him; and he said, ‘They have ascribed to David ten thousands, but to me they have ascribed only thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?’ And Saul eyed David from that day forward."

Saul's jealousy of David only grew from there. In 1 Samuel 19, we read that Saul tried to kill David with a spear while he was playing music for him. In 1 Samuel 20, we read that Saul's son Jonathan helped David escape when Saul tried to kill him again. And in 1 Samuel 22, we read that Saul ordered the killing of the priests of Nob because he suspected them of aiding David.

Throughout this story, we see the devastating effects of jealousy. Saul's jealousy not only led him to try and kill David multiple times, but it also led to him making poor decisions and harming innocent people. In the end, Saul's jealousy and disobedience to God led to his downfall and the loss of his kingdom.

This story reminds us that jealousy is a dangerous and destructive emotion. It can cloud our judgment and lead us to make poor decisions, harming ourselves and those around us. Instead of giving in to jealousy, we are called to trust in God's sovereignty and to be content with the blessings that He has given us. As the Apostle Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Achan Defeat

The story of Achan is found in the book of Joshua, chapter 7. After the Israelites conquered Jericho, God commanded them to take none of the plunder for themselves. But Achan, a member of the tribe of Judah, disobeyed God's command and took some of the valuable items for himself. This act of coveting ultimately brought disaster upon him and his family.

In Joshua 7:1-5, we read that "the sons of Israel acted unfaithfully in regard to the things under the ban, for Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah, took some of the things under the ban, therefore the anger of the Lord burned against the sons of Israel. Now Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai, which is near Beth-aven, east of Bethel, and said to them, 'Go up and spy out the land.' So the men went up and spied out Ai. They returned to Joshua and said to him, 'Do not let all the people go up; only about two or three thousand men need go up to Ai; do not make all the people toil up there, for they are few.' So about three thousand men from the people went up there, but they fled from the men of Ai."

Because of Achan's sin, the Israelites suffered defeat at the hands of the people of Ai. In Joshua 7:19-25, we read that "Joshua said to Achan, 'My son, I implore you, give glory to the Lord, the God of Israel, and give praise to Him; and tell me now what you have done. Do not hide it from me.' So Achan answered Joshua and said, 'Truly, I have sinned against the Lord, the God of Israel, and this is what I did: when I saw among the spoils a beautiful cloak from Shinar and two hundred shekels of silver and a bar of gold fifty shekels in weight, then I coveted them and took them; and behold, they are concealed in the ground inside my tent with the silver underneath it.' So Joshua sent messengers, and they ran to the tent; and behold, it was concealed in his tent with the silver underneath it. They took them from inside the tent and brought them to Joshua and to all the sons of Israel, and they poured them out before the Lord."

As a result of Achan's sin, he and his entire family were put to death. This story serves as a warning to us about the dangers of coveting and disobeying God's commands. As Jesus said in Luke 12:15, "Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions." We are called to trust in God's provision for us and to be content with what He has given us, rather than coveting material possessions and disobeying His commands.

The Rich Fool

In Luke 12:13-21, a man asks Jesus to tell his brother to divide their inheritance with him. But Jesus responds with a warning against coveting material possessions, saying "Watch out and guard yourselves from every form of greed, for a person's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." (Luke 12:15)

Jesus then tells the parable of the rich fool, saying "The land of a certain rich man was very productive. And he began reasoning to himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?' And he said, 'This is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry."' But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?' So is the one who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God." (Luke 12:16-21)

This parable illustrates the danger of coveting material possessions and focusing solely on accumulating wealth, rather than being rich towards God. The rich man in the parable was so focused on storing up his goods and enjoying his wealth that he forgot about the brevity of life and the need to prioritize his relationship with God. As James 4:14 reminds us, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away."

This parable serves as a reminder that we should not place our hope and security in material possessions, but rather in God. As Jesus says in Matthew 6:19-21, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Verses for study

  • Exodus 20:17; Deuteronomy 5:21: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

  • Galatians 5:19-21: "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: sexual immorality, impurity, indecent behavior, idolatry, witchcraft, hostilities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."

  • James 3:14-16: "But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."

  • Psalm 10:3: "For the wicked boasts of his heart’s desire, and the greedy man curses and spurns the Lord."

  • Proverbs 27:4: "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?"

  • Proverbs 28:16: "A leader who is a great oppressor lacks understanding, but one who hates unjust gain will prolong his days."

  • Song of Solomon 8:6: "Put me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as severe as Sheol; its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord."

  • Mark 7:21-23: "For from within, out of the heart of people, come evil intentions, sexual immoralities, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, wickedness, deceit, debauchery, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a person."

  • Luke 12:15" And He said to them, 'Watch out and guard yourselves from all greediness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.'"

  • Romans 7:7: "What shall we say then? Is the Law sin? Far from it! On the contrary, I would not have come to know sin except through the Law; for I would not have known about coveting if the Law had not said, 'You shall not covet.'"

  • Romans 13:13: "Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy."

  • 1 Corinthians 3:3: "for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere humans?"

  • Colossians 3:5: "Therefore, consider the members of your earthly body as dead to sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry."

  • Hebrews 13:5: "Let your way of life be free of the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever abandon you.'"

Put off | Put on

"to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:22-24 ESV)

Bryan Carlson
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