Abuse
Abuse of any kind can never be condoned for any reason. It is a violation against the image of God in another person. Any form of abuse should be addressed swiftly and severely. Never keep abuse to yourself—always report it to BCH leadership and, when required, to the authorities as well. See the Counseling Agreements page and the Article below for more specifics.
Questions to answer with our counselee
The abused:
How are you feeling right now?
How long has the abuse been going on?
Have you told anyone else about the abuse?
What are some of the specific ways that your abuser is hurting you?
Are you currently safe?
Have you thought about leaving the situation?
What are some of the reasons you might have for staying in the situation?
Do you have a support system in place?
Have you considered getting help from outside resources, such as a domestic violence hotline or shelter?
What are some things that you can do to keep yourself safe moving forward?
What are your goals for the future, and how can I help you work towards them?
The abuser:
Can you tell me more about what has been going on?
How have your actions impacted the other person?
Are you aware of the reasons behind your behavior?
Have you taken any steps to stop the abusive behavior?
How do you think God views the way you've been treating the other person?
Have you considered seeking outside help or counseling to address this issue?
What are some practical steps you can take to show love and kindness to the person you've been abusing?
How can we work together to make sure that this behavior doesn't continue?
Verses for study
1 Corinthians 6:9-12: Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor those habitually drunk, nor verbal abusers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.
Psalm 11:5 - "The Lord tests the righteous and the wicked, and the one who loves violence His soul hates."
Proverbs 3:31-32 - "Do not envy a man of violence and do not choose any of his ways. For the devious are an abomination to the Lord; but He is intimate with the upright."
Proverbs 6:16-19 - "There are six things which the Lord hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil, a false witness who utters lies, and one who spreads strife among brothers."
Proverbs 22:16 - "He who oppresses the poor to make more for himself or who gives to the rich, will only come to poverty."
Isaiah 1:17 - "Learn to do good; seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow."
Isaiah 59:6 - "Their webs will not become clothing, nor will they cover themselves with their works; their works are works of iniquity, and an act of violence is in their hands."
Micah 2:1-2 - "Woe to those who scheme iniquity, who work out evil on their beds! When morning comes, they do it, for it is in the power of their hands. They covet fields and then seize them, and houses, and take them away. They rob a man and his house, a man and his inheritance."
Matthew 18:6 - "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea."
Put off | Put on
"to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:22-24 ESV)
Put off: Satan; temptation; sin; slavery; false teachers; idols; anger; blaming God; guilt and shame
Put on: God; repentance of my sin or forgiveness of another’s sin; Jesus; repentance unto salvation; Holy Spirit; sanctification; fruit; spiritual disciplines; identity in Christ; healthy emotions
Article: Safety in an Abusive Marriage by Bryan Carlson
As Christians, we are called to love and care for one another, and to act with wisdom and discernment in all situations. This scenario discusses a husband who is a threat to his wife. In the context of marriage, the Bible calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25), which includes treating them with kindness, respect, and gentleness. Husbands are called to be considerate of their wives and to live with them in an understanding way, so that their prayers may not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). God hates the sinful words and actions that are occurring in the home (Ephesians 4:31-32). It is vital to address the situation in a way that honors God and seeks to protect the vulnerable and innocent, as God calls us to do (Psalm 82:3-4; Isaiah 1:17). We are to seek justice and defend the oppressed and to care for those who are vulnerable and in need (James 1:27). God never calls for a wife to live in fear of her husband (1 Peter 3:7), and He desires that all civil and ecclesiastical authorities are involved in conversations about safety in the home (Romans 13:1). At the same time, it is important to approach these situations with compassion and care for all involved. The Bible teaches us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31), to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2), and to pursue peace and reconciliation whenever possible (Matthew 5:9). This will involve working with both individuals to address the underlying issues and to seek healing and restoration in their relationship.
Practical steps can be taken to ensure the wife’s safety. The first step is to ensure that she has a safety plan. This plan should address several scenarios and have her leaving the home if she must. The plan may even need to be 'secret' from her husband, and wise counsel should speak into it. Additionally, the plan should organize any important documents and other items if she must leave the home. Having a safety plan can help her feel more empowered and less alone, and it can help her take action to protect herself when necessary. It is also important to meet with each of them individually to ensure that the wife can communicate with you in a safe and private setting. By doing so, you can hear both sides of the story and determine the best course of action for her safety. Bringing in a trusted third party, such as a pastor or another counselor, can help both parties feel supported and heard. Another crucial step is to ask them to not engage in conversation when they can feel that emotions are getting intense (2 Timothy 2:22). By avoiding situations that may trigger such behavior, she can reduce the risk of harm to herself. It is also important to seek to solve any conflicts in the counseling room until there is ample evidence of both parties walking in the Spirit (Proverbs 29:11). This can help to diffuse tensions and reduce the likelihood of abuse. If there is evidence of danger, either from angry tones and words or actions, it is important to choose to leave the situation (Proverbs 26:4). Having an advocate regularly check up on her (Galatians 6:2) can also provide her with additional support and protection. Finally, it is important to encourage and help her to report any crimes to the police and sinful activity to the church (Romans 13:4). By doing so, she can seek justice and protect others from similar harm. (Faith notes 69-71)
Article: Confidentiality and Reporting by Bryan Carlson
Confidentiality plays a crucial role in biblical counseling as it helps to establish trust between the counselor and the counselee and provides a safe space for the counselee to share their thoughts, feelings, and struggles. Confidentiality allows the counselee to feel comfortable opening up about sensitive and personal issues, knowing that the information they share will not be disclosed to others except under specific exceptions. Proverbs 20:19 reminds us to “not associate with a gossip” and Proverbs 16:28 says “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” “I am glad to keep confidence in the way that the Bible instructs me. That means, of course, I shall never involve others unless God requires me to do so” (Adams 32). It is critical to set the expectations up front, as the counseling is beginning. Instead of promising strict confidentiality, we promise “informed consent.” This can be done through the intake form and in conversation in the first session, and in previous sessions if necessary. (Faith notes 47-50; Roy 20-23)
We should make the following commitments to confidentiality: Firstly, we must commit to not gossip, as Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." This means not sharing information with those who are not part of the problem or the solution. Secondly, we have permission to seek advice from others for wisdom. We should also communicate with authorities that we are in submission to, as Hebrews 13:17 says, "Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account." This can include: elders in the Church, government authorities, a wife’s husband, or a counselee’s boss (in the case a sin has been committed against the workplace). Thirdly, we should only share information that is relevant to solving the problem. We must commit to clear communication, giving the counselee a chance to communicate first and telling them of our intention to communicate with anyone else. We should generally get written permission from the counselee before communicating with others outside of the local church leadership. Fourthly, we must instruct our counselees in the areas of problem-solving, glorifying Christ, and growing to be like Him. Finally, a Biblical counselor must commit to not keeping secrets but explaining that there are times when they may need to share. If the counselee is unwilling to agree, the counselor should not proceed with counseling. (Faith notes 47-50; Roy 20-23)
Biblical and practical considerations can limit confidentiality in counseling. Firstly, confidentiality can be limited when the state righteously requires it (Romans 13:1-5), such as in cases of abuse and other crimes against the state and people. Secondly, confidentiality can be limited when there is a danger to another person or the counselee, such as in cases of suicidal threats. Thirdly, confidentiality can be limited when the counselee is a minor and the parents need to be informed, as parents have a responsibility to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). Finally, confidentiality can be limited when the counselee is unrepentant in their sin and is not responding to the counseling process, in which case the issue may need to be addressed through church discipline (Matthew 18:15-17).
A Biblical counselor has the responsibility to report to civil authorities in some situations and should always report as the law requires. We must know the laws of our state and follow them. Romans 13:1 tell us, “Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Here is ACBC’s Standards of Conduct:
“Biblical counselors work to honor all biblically-instituted authorities and assist their counselees to do the same…Biblical counselors must help their counselees submit to the authority of the state as it is discharged righteously. God has provided government as a blessing for all people in order to preserve order and righteousness. When this authority is discharged righteously and in keeping with God’s law all people benefit from it. Wherever possible, biblical counselors work to obey the laws of the legal jurisdictions in which they serve and urge their counselees to do the same” (Faith notes 49).
Here are some of the specific reporting laws in the state of Nebraska:
Child abuse and neglect: Nebraska law (Neb. Rev. Stat. § 28-711) requires counselors to report suspected cases of child abuse or neglect to the appropriate authorities. This includes physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, as well as neglect or abandonment.
Elder abuse and neglect: Nebraska law (Neb. Rev. Stat. § 28-3902) requires counselors to report suspected cases of abuse or neglect of elderly or disabled adults to the appropriate authorities.
Potential harm to self or others: Nebraska law (Neb. Rev. Stat. § 71-908) allows counselors to report potential harm to self or others if they believe that there is a serious threat of harm.
Sexually transmitted diseases: Nebraska law (Neb. Rev. Stat. § 71-5413) requires counselors to report cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) to the appropriate authorities if they believe that the individual may have transmitted the disease to another person.
State law does not specifically require reporting of spousal abuse, unless there is a risk of harm to a child who is present or otherwise involved, they may be required to report the abuse under Nebraska's mandatory reporting laws for child abuse and neglect. Additionally, if the victim of spousal abuse is an elderly or disabled adult, the counselor may be required to report the abuse under Nebraska's mandatory reporting laws for abuse or neglect of vulnerable adults.
When a counselee admits to breaking the law, counselors have a responsibility to follow the law and may be obligated to report the illegal activity to the appropriate authorities.
We will always seek the advice of legal counsel if we have any questions or concerns about reporting obligations or obligations to cooperate with the authorities.
As a matter of cooperation with authorities in investigations, counselors should act within the degree required by the law, as well as comply with the requests of the local church, and act according to one's own conscience in a way that pleases Christ. Such cooperation could include the surrender of evidence, such as emails, notes, or recordings, and could extend to testimony in both a state and church court (Faith notes 50).
Don Roy, IBCD, ACBC Theology Exam Study Guide, 20-23.
Faith Biblical Counseling, ACBC Exam Track 5, 47-50.
Jay Adams, Handbook of Church Discipline, 30-32.
Resources
“The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Control and Violence in the Home” by Chris Moles
“Is it Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims” by Darby Strickland
“When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church” by Greg Wilson and Jeremy Pierre
“Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse” by Gregory L. Jantz
“The PeaceWorks Podcast” by Chris Moles
menofpeace.org (workbook and video resource for perpetrators)
“Help! Someone I Love Has Been Abused” (booklet) by Jim Newheiser
“In the Aftermath: Past the Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse” by Pamela Gannon and Beverly Moore
“Called to Peace” by Joy Forrest
