Developing Caring Relationships with Counselees
by Bryan Carlson
1) Building trust through compassion and active listening (Proverbs 18:13). In biblical counseling, developing trust and rapport with the counselee is crucial. Empathy and active listening help the counselor understand the counselee's perspective and build trust by showing that the counselor is truly interested in the counselee's situation. A useful passage to ground this in Scripture is James 1:19, which says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." A counselor can demonstrate compassion by showing that they care about the counselee's feelings, thoughts, and situation. This helps the counselee feel understood and valued. In the book of Luke, Jesus is often depicted as having compassion for those who are suffering. For example, in Luke 7:13, when Jesus saw a large crowd around him, he had compassion on them and healed their sick. “But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).
2) Encourage them for all that they do that is right. Romans 14:19 reminds us to build up one another, while Hebrews 10:25 instructs us to encourage one another. In counseling, we tend to focus on the negative aspects of a person's life. However, by intentionally looking for and pointing out the positive things that a person does can provide hope and optimism in our counselee.
3) Withhold advice until you have listened. Proverbs 18 instructs us to listen first, while 1 Peter 5:5 tells us to clothe ourselves with humility toward one another and James 1:19 reminds us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. A caring relationship requires that we take the time to fully understand our counselees' perspectives and experiences before offering advice. By listening first, we demonstrate that we care and are invested in their growth and healing.
4) Praying with the counselee can help build a caring relationship. In this, we not only acknowledge that God is the change agent, but we also demonstrate that we care for them. In the book of James, the author encourages believers to pray for one another. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Paul's example in almost every book he wrote demonstrates the importance of prayer.
5) Sharing personal testimonies of God’s love and faithfulness can help build rapport and trust between the counselor and the counselee. Testimonies can help the counselee see that the counselor is a fellow traveler who has experienced similar difficulties and found hope in the Lord. In the book of Acts, the apostles often shared their testimonies of what God had done in their lives. 2 Corinthians 12 provides an example of Paul sharing a personal story of God's grace.
6) Take your counselee seriously. Philippians 2:3-4, Ephesians 4:2, and Romans 15:7 all remind us of the importance of considering others and accepting one another. Many people feel unheard and undervalued, particularly when it comes to issues of counseling. By taking our counselees seriously, we can help them feel loved and supported.
7) Encouraging confession can be used to help counselees develop a closer relationship with God and one another. Confession is a means of acknowledging sin and seeking forgiveness. A relevant passage for this strategy is James 5:16, which says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." This involves speaking the truth in love (Proverbs 27:6, 9; Ephesians 4:15; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3).
Additional strategies include: being honest/genuine (Colossians 3:9); encouraging them to love and to good deeds (Hebrews 10:24); being patient with their struggles (Ephesians 4:2, Colossians 3:13); asking questions that draw the person out (Proverbs 20:5); demonstrating humility by identifying not as someone who has arrived but as a fellow pilgrim (1 Corinthians 4:7; 2 Corinthians 1:3; Philippians 3:12); grieving with the hurting; rejoicing with the victorious (Romans 12:10, 15). (Faith notes 17-18)
Faith Biblical Counseling, ACBC Exam Track 5, 17-18.
