Safety in an Abusive Marriage
by Bryan Carlson
As Christians, we are called to love and care for one another, and to act with wisdom and discernment in all situations. In the context of marriage, the Bible calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25), which includes treating our wives with kindness, respect, and gentleness. Husbands are called to be considerate of their wives and to live with them in an understanding way, so that their prayers may not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). God hates the sinful words and actions that are occurring in the home (Ephesians 4:31-32). It is vital to address the situation in a way that honors God and seeks to protect the vulnerable and innocent, as God calls us to do (Psalm 82:3-4; Isaiah 1:17). We are to seek justice and defend the oppressed and to care for those who are vulnerable and in need (James 1:27). God never calls for a wife to live in fear of her husband (1 Peter 3:7), and He desires that all civil and ecclesiastical authorities are involved in conversations about safety in the home (Romans 13:1). At the same time, it is important to approach these situations with compassion and care for all involved. The Bible teaches us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31), to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2), and to pursue peace and reconciliation whenever possible (Matthew 5:9). This will involve working with both individuals to address the underlying issues and to seek healing and restoration in their relationship.
Practical steps can be taken to ensure the wife’s safety. The first step is to ensure that she has a safety plan. This plan should address several scenarios and have her leaving the home if she must. The plan may even need to be 'secret' from her husband, and wise counsel should speak into it. The plan should organize any important documents and other items if she must leave the home. Having a safety plan can help her feel more empowered and less alone, and it can help her take action to protect herself when necessary. In the case of marriage counseling, it is also important to meet with each of them individually to ensure that the wife can communicate with you in a safe and private setting. By doing so, you can hear both sides of the story and determine the best course of action for her safety. Bringing in a trusted third party, such as a pastor or another counselor, can help both parties feel supported and heard. Another crucial step is to ask them to not engage in conversation when they can feel that emotions are getting intense (2 Timothy 2:22). It is also important to seek to solve any conflicts in the counseling room until there is ample evidence of both parties walking in the Spirit (Proverbs 29:11). This can help to diffuse tensions and reduce the likelihood of abuse. If there is evidence of danger, either from angry tones and words or actions, it is important to choose to leave the situation (Proverbs 26:4). Having an advocate regularly check up on her (Galatians 6:2) can also provide her with additional support and protection. Finally, it is important to encourage and help her to report any crimes to the police and sinful activity to the church (Romans 13:4). By doing so, she can seek justice and protect others from similar harm. (Faith notes 69-71)
